today is 23. i wonder how this day is going to end. i hope it will be good. i don’t want to expect too much, basi madungagan pa akong stress.
bawi unta akong kakapoy karon oi. maka huot og dughan ang pressure and yesterday wa na jud ko nagpapugong. i broke down na jud. kakapoy + pressure + init ulo ni seth gabie… wa na ko kita og rason para i psycho2x akong kaugalingon. ang tao na ginakwaan nako og kusog nasuko pa jud sa ako hahay… but then like the usual, ok man ang ending gabie.
all my life i have been independent, alone and stubborn, but sometimes i do wonder how it feels to become sly, sensitive and devoid of pride. like you entrust yourself to someone, to collapse unto someone’s arms and become weak, to let other people do things to you, to become dependent. to have someone or people who’s going to take care of you when you are sick. i wonder if that’s going to happen to me, to be really taken cared of even just for once. Even just for one moment i want to feel the things I do to other people. sometimes i do want to try to collapse, but i’m not sure if there’s someone/some people who’s going to catch me. i wonder if i’ll meet an accident and become disable, i wonder if there’s someone or there will be people who’s willing to stay to serve me until the end. or i’ll be just who i used to be, alone. the future is blurry.
i have several reasons to cry and only one reason to smile. I try to look at that one reason, sometimes it works but other times, I fail.
Before I sleep, I cry. As I walk along downtown alleys, I cry. As I work with my tasks, I cry. I always cry.
I’m not the type that blabbers my feelings to everyone. I’ve been keeping my emotions to myself ever since. I never talked to any of my family regarding the decisions they made, never told them if I was ok or not ok about things. And at those times, it was fine for me to keep my feelings… not this time. Lately, I felt the need to release my emotion, to ligthen the burden I feel. But i am incapable of doing so… this maybe because the one that is involved is someone so dear and important to me that I become so afraid, afraid that I’ll lose him because of what I might say. Though my intention is purely to confront and fix things together, I am afraid it might not turn well on his part, he might not understand and we could lose what we have. *sigh*
I just hope that keeping these feelings won’t result to some problems later on, such as heart problem. I noticed lately some pain in my chest and difficulty breathing, palpitaton is also present. I hope this is just psychological and i can’t really mention this to him, co’s i might sound too O.A. and dramatic.
trabaho modo. grabeh jud ning december oi.. xet bisan pila na ka busy december ang niagi makuratan ghapon ko. hahay.. oh holy PAYMENT PROSPECTIVE SYSTEM! tagai pud kog bakaxon oi. hehe i’m going to finish u asap! sa monday up and running naka bantay ka lang! grrrr
bwisit na mga tambay. yawa! pag naog nako ganina sa ofis naay nag babay2x sa baba.. bwisit pag abot didto sa may acacia naay cge og panitsit… argghhhh ka samok sa kalibutan! kalami pang bakyumon oi aron mawagtang silang tanan grrrrr >:-/
malasa na lang jud oi, kagabie gipakaon nako si seth wa pa jud ayo ang food, meaning dili xa kuntento ato. grrrr rayna ng sablay jud ka padz… hahay asa nalang man ko ilabay ani. isalvage nako ninyo! ga hangyo na jud ko! wa koy lugar diri!
There two types of personality I discovered lately:
First, is what I call GET & LOOSE TYPE. These are the people that once they get what they want, they feel relax and somehow contented. It’s like saying “okay enough, I got it right in my hands, it’s mine period.” Then everything becomes stagnant; the sparks are gone.
Second, is what I call GET & GRIP TYPE. These are the people that once they get what they want, they grip and hold on to it. It’s like saying “i got it, and i’m never letting this go, so i’ll take care of this and hold this one tight.” In this case, the longer the person holds the thing, the more the person is able to manifest his/her feelings for this thing. The sparks live on.
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I belong to the second type. I don’t lose my spark for something especially for someone. My drive is even greater as time goes by. My love is getting deeper. I don’t go below to what I was in the beginning. I move up and forward. It’s sad we can’t make everyone hold on to their sparks; some just lose it slowly… slowly fading.
WISHES
World: World peace! I wish people would start caring for everything and everyone. I wish some assholes would stop being greedy and acting as if they own the world.
Family & Relatives: I wish them good health and I wish they start thinking logically when it comes to their decisions.
Seth: I wish him good health and more happiness. I wish he’ll have the passion and drive to think of his future. I wish him patience and contentment in life.
Myself: I wish myself good health too. Happiness? I’m blissful with what and who I have right now in my life. I only wish for simple things, a text from him from time to time, comments and responses (This is not a sign of being doubtful, I JUST WANT EVERYBODY TO KNOW HOW HAPPY WE ARE TO HAVE EACH OTHER AND THAT I AM VERY PROUD OF WHAT WE HAVE. I love showing-off to everyone that I am so super happy with him…MY SETH). I don’t ask for any material stuff, for i am not really materialistic. Walay butang na makapantay sa kalipay na nahatag sa akong gwapo og lami na uyab :p
note: unta pud proud xa sa ako, kanang dili xa maulaw ipa-ilaila ko sa tanan. unta bago mulakaw iyang mga tita ma meet pud nako.
PROMISES
I’ll start saving starting JANUARY 2010.
In 2-3 years time, I’ll start looking for a lot. Bisan low-cost lang.
In 6 years, I’ll have my own house.
I’ll be more patient and considerate. l
I’ll be really mature when it comes to my decision and deeds.
I’ll take care of my family especially MY SETH.
I promise to help Seth have some confidence, and I hope I can make him realize that it’s time for him to do things for himself and that he must start making real decisions when it comes to his life. Gusto unta nako xa makita na makatindog na xa lang. Para wala nay maingon ang uban sa iya. Gusto nako tong mga giingon na negative sa iya kay isagpa sa mga nag-ingon ato sa iya.
I’ll control na my jealousy and para dili pud ko annoying sa iya.
I’ll take care of my job para naay funds. hehe
I’ll take care of mother nature. hehe
i have never been this happy. since niabot si seth sa akong kinabuhi, it’s as if my life depends on him. i just wish na unta di na ni maundang. if being in this relationship is like drowning, then let me drown forever :”>
nag uban mi 48 hours, the longest i think na diretso jud nag uban. euphoric, blissful and super happy ko na naa ko sa iyang tapad. i just love looking at him while his asleep in my lap. i love doing things for him like imassage siya, sabayan xa magkaon, kwaan xa og tubig hay basta…he is my life now. i love you akong seth… akong bana… <3
This time we go sublime
Lovers entwine-divine divine
Love is danger, love is pleasure
Love is pure-the only treasure
dangerous ang love kay makabuang. i think hapit na jud ko mabuang ba. buang na gani ko daan musamot pa jud hehe obsess na kaau ko kay seth to the point na di na pud maau kay nasakal na nako xa. ana pa xa sa sugod di ko nya sakalon and yet karon ako ang nagahimo ana tsk tsk bad ka padz!… basta mura na ko og buang. using his account maghimo ko comment sa akong sarili as if xa ang nagsulat, what’s worst? mureply pud ko sa akong gihimo na comment hahay.. buang jud desperada na kaau hehehe. naga pantaxa na kami duha naga replayay o nagastorya. di nako matingala if muabot ko sa point na mutxt ko sa akong sarili as if xa pud nagtxt tas mureply pud ko or worst of all worst, mustorya ra ko og kalit as if naa xa sa akong tapad og mag holding hands sa akong sarili as if ang isa ka kamot kay iyaha..hehe…funny kung isipon pero dili katingalahan kung maabot ko sa ana na punto. hahay alangan mao ra man gud na akong kalipayon, simple lang gani na tas di pa jud nako makuha. gamay nga oras lang og wala pa jud bayad… maningkamot na lang ko og ako eh d b? di lang unta ko mubigay noh.. kay maundang jud akong kalibutan.
bug-at na sad akong tiyan. sakit akong mata. gusto na pud ko muhilak pero mulakaw man ko run. ugma na lang hehehe
